If you’re new to skateboarding and aren’t sure how to behave at the local shop, just follow these tips and you’ll be blending in with the rest of the dipshits wandering in off the street in no time. You’re welcome.
With the possible exception of discussing ABEC ratings of low-tier bearing brands, there’s nothing skateshop employees love more than talking about the latest Dunk drop. And even though it says “DO NOT CALL SHOP” on their Instagram raffle post, you should 100 percent disregard those instructions and call them about every ten minutes and DEMAND they set aside a pair for you since you’re obviously the undisputed king of hype-beef mountain. You da shit, homie.
Despite the fact that you’ve never done one goddamn thing to help the shop out, you definitely deserve a freaking discount. How big of a discount? Shit, I don’t know. Probably like 50 percent off of everything—because why the fuck not? I mean, you’ve seen the owner’s used Taurus in the parking lot, right? Who the hell do they think they are?! They owe you; let it be known.
You’re definitely going to want to pop into the shop post-skate session with your moist, aromatic body glistening with sticky perspiration. Then you should ask to try on the new FA kimono and get that silk bad boy all pungent with your onion-y odor. Don’t buy it afterwards—just drop it on the floor and take a deep cotton-candy vape toke and tell whoever is within earshot that you can almost land heelflips now.
Re-gripping boards is one of the biggest joys of working in a skateshop. Bring in your dusted, crusted, splintery plank of a board that you bought at Target and demand (don’t ask) to have the old grip removed and new grip applied. After the procedure is finished, let them know that you don’t have any money—you thought it was a free service. Then ask if you can rummage through the sticker box.
After you’ve asked to see every board behind the counter, tried on every pair of shoes and wiped your grubby Flamin’ Hot Cheeto fingers on every t-shirt in the building, tell them that your mom is going to order all your shit online. It’s cool. Your local shop is basically just an IRL dressing room for the Internet.
If there are parents in the shop—especially with small children—be sure to cuss as loudly and as frequently as possible around them. Don’t just drop a random F-bomb here and there get weird with it. You could shout some shit like, “Yo, dolphin dicks! I bet I can eat more motherfuckin’ vegan pork chops than any of you goddamn skid-mark sniffers!”
Ask tons of questions but never wait to hear the answers—just constantly interrupt the person you’re talking to and loudly state your uninformed, misguided opinions. You get bonus points for explaining why one board company is superior to another when in fact they’re manufactured by the exact same wood shop.
Nothing is cooler than bringing in a grocery sack full of your streetwear brand’s bullshit to try to sell to the shop. If they’re nice enough to even entertain the idea, but they mention the word “consignment,” tell them to fuck right off. Your streetwear brand is the coolest shit to ever come through their front door and they should be kissing your ass for even getting the chance to look at it. Supreme is shaking in their frickin’ Timberland collab boots right now!
This is for the older crowd, but no matter what an item costs, declare loudly that it’s WAY too expensive. Talk about how back in your day a skate deck cost 17 dollars and you could buy a set of six wheels for only 74 cents. Then please explain how lame and soft skateboarding is today and say something mildly xenophobic or sexist while complaining about truck-company logos for half an hour.